Constance The Fourteenth

Odd Monday

2011-12-05T10:05:00.000-08:00

Well. There's nothing like an unexpected d e a t h of a c0 w 0 rker to bring down the mood on a Monday morning. Oh, she was not someone I knew well... located in another city, and sadly, my few dealings with her in the 3 years I've been here were mostly unpleasant ones, so I kind-of avoided speaking to her if I could. But I still got teary-eyed in the meeting, and of course it's a sad day for those who were close to her.

Makes me think, "Gosh, I hope not to experience my demise while on company time." (Which she was, actually: at an off-site conference. Awful, no?)

It also makes it extremely difficult to concentrate. (One, because I worked at another company once and we lost someone whom I did like, very much; it happened in the office. So, sad memories.) But two, because for me, focus is a huge problem even in normal situations.

Venting works

2011-11-28T06:14:00.000-08:00

Do you know how much that last post helped me over the weekend?? Immensely. Big much, as my daughter used to say.

I read over it several times before we left, I guess because I was still kind-of stewing and anticipating such bad times. But then, every time I thought about how I hate the smell of that house, I countered myself and laughed about the asshole squirting.

And every time I thought about the small stupid kitchen and how it made me feel fat, I got the heck out of there and thanked my stars I didn't have to make anything. (I did help, actually; I made the green beans. I.E., dumped the can into to the pot! Not special! HAHA. But no one to make small-talk with! HAHA.)

And I DID take a pack of Starbucks VIA and had my damn coffee every morning, thank you very much for the suggestion, Swis!

Hateful/Thankful

2011-11-23T08:22:00.000-08:00

Guys, I'm sorry. I just have to do this, to just GET IT ALL OUT of my head before we go to my MIL's and I have to LIVE IT. At least I'm trying to be gracious by adding some counterpoints for which I am thankful, after listing all the things I dread everytime we have Thanksgiving at the in-laws'. I'm sorry, I really am. But now you know I am basically a terrible person.

Hate: The stale cigarette smell of the house. All the time. Everywhere.
But Thankful.... Our inside joke about the intermittent “pssst” air freshener; it sounds like an asshole, seriously. and we laugh every time it squirts.

Hate: The sliding glass door being SO DAMN LOUD.
But Thankful... The kids running in and out, door open to let in the fresh air, at the last Tgiving.

Hate: Squeezing into the tiny kitchen that's unable to accommodate all of us. It makes me feel fat, and is just uncomfortable to try to sit in there. Or stand. So therefore, it's hard to offer help.
But Thankful... The fact that I don’t have to make Thanksgiving dinner. I rarely even have to help.

The tiny dining room table that always feels so crowded because the chairs don’t fit under it.
....Having a full table and food to eat.

Everything’s so DARK. No LIGHTS.
....No one can see when I’m feeling scowly and grouchy. HA.

NO WINE. :(
.... Fewer calories consumed. Fewer headaches (in the physical sense).

NO APPETIZERS!
... But deviled eggs with dinner. And rolls, much like these.

NO DRESSING UP for the occassion.
....But I don’t have to find “outfits” for the kids or convince them to wear them.

Nothing/No one to make it feel like a “special day.” (Really. It's kinda just another meal.)
....No “strangers” coming over with whom I have to make small talk.

BIL being so LOUD and TICKLING TOO MUCH with the kids, and not able to carry on a normal conversation with adults like a normal person. (He really can't.)
.....um. I guess... I"m thankful the kids seem to love him anyway.

Waiting while MIL gets dressed to go anywhere, as she usually makes 2 or 3 phone calls during the same time frame, and has a cig, which stretches it out even further.
.... Time with nothing to do – a luxury in my regular life.

Never seeing FIL. Except at 6:00 am (because I'm up with the kids) or 8:00 pm when he eats his ice cream and then toddles off to bed.
....Don’t have to put up with making small talk with him (?) (that’s pretty terrible)

Staring at the TV all day every day. Soap operas and Daytime crap talk shows.
....There can’t be anything good about this. I guess at least there’s People magazine in abundance, which I do LOVE.

The water there tastes weird. Even with lemon.
....It’s nice to allow myself a Coke once in a while.

NO COFFEE.
.....There is nothing good about not having coffee. They sometimes offer but I don’t want to make trouble since I'm the only one who drinks it.

SITTING IN THE HOUSE ALL DAY.
..... The kids played a lot of Hide n Seek last time we were there and it reminded me of playing the same at my Grandma's house when I was little.
.....Also there is LOTS of reading time and I have a new book.

CLOSE TALKER outside when she’s smoking. Ugh!! Why?!
....Going outside at all, frequently, for some fresh air, is a small blessing.

I know, I know...

2011-10-10T05:24:00.000-07:00

~~Today~~ This weekend was wonderful. My girl and I were on our own -- the boys were away for a guys-only weekend. I had such big plans and a lot of committments. Some of the the plans didn't get accomplished, but I don't care so much about those. What I care about was that we

went shopping, for cute new CLOTHES (alright, and toys)

did not argue and fight very much (she's 3)

made memories

bought candy on a whim, just for us

watched fun movies (Tangled) (twice)

played outside (drawing chalk PRINCESSES!)

were successful at the committments

hugged and cuddled and sang and smiled and hugged

I know all that sounds cheesy. I also know it's because she had 100% of my full, devoted attention (three year olds, geez!), that she didn't fuss and whine. I was 100% glad to give her that attention because in her little life, she rarely gets that, from me or from her daycare teachers (Obvs).

I need the grace to hold onto the hapiness of the weekend and use it -- spread it around -- remember it.

Because today, Monday (bad enough), we had fights again. We ran late. We wouldn't listen or DO THE RIGHT THING (HOW I despise using that phrase and wish I could just say DO WHAT I SAY!). I had to count to three and then deliver on my promise of a swat to the behind, and I hate that, and then she still wouldn't cooperate and I threw her clothes at her and said, "YOU DO IT, THEN!" She cried harder and wanted a hug, knowing I was so! mad! but I refused to hug her until she GOT DRESSED (GODDAMMIT - I didn't say that).

[Breathe.]

I know it's normal, I know it's partly my own hangup about getting out of the house (WHY I care about being on-time, some mornings, is BEYOND ME --- be LATE for gosh sakes, this is WHY people are late, so they can give the attention their kids sometimes NEED to make mornings not a stupid struggle!!!), and it's partly that I'm stressed because of NEEDING TO EXERCISE again -- getting off-track with that makes me high strung and prone to outbursts and moodiness --

I know. I know.

3 days

2011-01-27T04:23:00.001-08:00

Three days in a row I've done something. Not a huge, capital W, Wokrout, but something. Monday, I walk/jogged for 25 minutes. Tuesday and Wednesday, I did a 15-minute walking video in the conference room at work (they allow that, which is awesome), and yoga after the kids were in bed. I've been tracking calories (and cheating), but I'm more interested in getting my heart rate up.

I know that real progress can't be made if you don't work harder. I know that belly fat doesn't go away from yoga. I am pretty sure I need new shoes if I want to take the walk/jog thing to another level.

But it's a start. Forgive me for boring you with the details. I definitely don't feel like I've conquered the mountain yet. It only takes one day off to slip into laziness again. But, I learned this week, it only takes one day ON to get the feeling back.

Anonymous fitness

2011-01-25T04:30:00.000-08:00

I'm talking about this over here because I'm very bored with talking about it at the home blog. I'm bored, in general, with my writing on the home blog - I never seem to have ideas anymore, just "reports." But I guess it's a journal, that's what it's for.

Anyway, last night I was Motivated for some reason. I "wogged" in the basement. I hate the word "wogged," seriously. But I remember it from the weight loss message board I used to frequent, and that's what it was, a walk/jog combination. With a jumping jack or 50 thrown in for good measure. I had had a stressful day at work, so I BLASTED the iPod - Cave In's album, "Antenna," which I purchased wayyyy back in 2004 or so, was AWESOME and loud - and just ran in circles, danced by myself, made up my own aerobics routine. 25 minutes. It felt really good.

In this case I was SO glad that we've never finished the basement. If there were doors and furniture down there I guess I'd have to buy a treadmill. ha! It may come to that. It's not a large circle, and there was a lot of turning around and starting stopping, which I doubt is good for my knees. But so far this morning the knees aren't hurting. WE SHALL SEE.

I took control over this for one night. (Afterwards I had a glass of water and then a glass of wine.) Wonder if I'll be able to do it again.

Frickin' Frackin Exercise

2011-01-20T04:13:00.000-08:00

I am so GD sick of myself and my excuses not to exercise. Well, my one excuse, really, which is the Time excuse. I don't have enough of it, but NEITHER DOES THE REST OF THE WORLD GDAMMIT, and somehow they MAKE time. A lot of my friends and acquaintances and Internet crushes manage to make a Resolution and stick to it. But not me. I make Resolution after Resolution and continue to not follow through with them. Or even start them, really. (Okay, that's not true, I gave it a good effort in August/September.)

What I wanted to do here today was to make a LIST, something I can print out, of all the reasons I KNOW I WANT to workout. I really do. This week I've even been wishing for the breathless physicality of running, and I've never been a runner, except for one attempt at the C25K, six years ago. I don't know if that's my BODY or my MIND wanting to feel that wind in my lungs, but either way I ought to make it happen.

And yet I don't. I find more errands that prevent me from doing it at lunch. I set my morning alarm for 30 minutes earlier, but I turn it off in the middle of the night because I know I can't get up at 5:00 am AYFKM? I have laundry and bills and reading that I guess I'd rather do at night, or at least need to do.

Anyway: THE PROS

1. I would feel better in my ~~frickinfr~~ clothes, which are currently fitting... not well.

2. All the intellectual reasons: Prevents Diseases for which I'm at risk already: breast cancer and heart disease. High (FRICK) cholesterol.

3. I read the other day that it's the closest thing to the "fountain of youth."

4. I would not fall asleep every night at 8:30 in front of the TV (I know this because of past success.)

5. I would look good/feel better in my swimsuit this summer.

6. I LIKE yoga, hiking, dancing, and, it seems, running. LIKE! Something I LIKE!

7. I know it reduces stress, and I've got a lot of that, some days.

8. My Hubz has worked out for a full year now, consistently, and girls: it shows. I want to match that success.

9. If I worked out, I would better be able to justify eating some things that are yummy. Without working out, it's just PILING IT ON.

10. Music!! I hear about everyone's "Running Mix" and I admit I get a little jealous.

I have got to figure out a plan. Or, maybe I don't have to figure out a plan, I just need to DO IT, frickfrack DAMMIT. Of course, today, I forgot to bring my tennis shoes to the office. *slow clap.*

Merry, but...

2010-12-24T05:01:00.000-08:00

You know what's annoying? And I'm sorry to say this but people have been airing grievances, and I DO have ~~one~~ five. Despite my jolly, forgiving mood overall -- I really am enjoying the holidays, trying to keep it simple, keep it kind, keep it semi-homemade (bleh, I do hate Sandra Lee's tagline) -- I am highly ANNOYED about a couple of things.

1. People staying in my house who are either Very Picky eaters, or have dread diseases that prevent them from eating anything Festive. I made pumpkin-corn chowder on Wednesday night. A very holiday-ish recipe that I've loved, that isn't difficult, but yes, it has corn. I forgot that my FIL has diverticulitis and can't eat things with husky shells. That includes corn, nuts, and I think beans. I'm waiting for him to come downstairs from his shower to ask him if he can eat Red Beans and Rice, since that's become a typical meal for me to make on Christmas Eve. I think he's eaten it before but I don't want to make TWO things he.... oh, well, he came down and said he's FINE with beans. Whew. This bullet is still valid, though, for the picky people (MIL and Hubz). They claimed to like the chowder, but I am not BLIND, I saw that their bowls were still half full. Rrrr. (Not to mention the kids who eat very little, natch.)

2. People who stay up until the midnight hours and beyond, and then sleep until GD 9:00 o'clock. Now, I know 9 isn't late by many peoples' standards, but in a house with grandkids, who are up at 6:30, you'd think they'd prioritize and get themselves to BED so that they could wake up in the MORNING, not the mid-afternoon. Exaggerate much? Yes, I do. Because I NEVER GET A MORNING. I'm ALWAYS the one who gets up, because I go to bed when it's bedtime. On vacation days or weekends, Hubz stays up late and his mother is also a night owl. 'Til 2:00 am night owl. I just find it slightly rude to sleep in when you're a guest in someone's house. Not like I've got plans for us to go out to brunch or the Museums or anything, but I can't plan for breakfast, EVER, except by short-order whenever people emerge. I hate it. I feel bad about this whole bullet. Please forget you saw it.

3. Choirs like mine who are singing a bunch of simplistic garbage for Midnight Mass. Including "Breath of Heaven," the "choral" version. It's painfully bad IMHO. I won't get into the whole situation but I'm ticked I stayed in town for THIS.

4. MOUTH NOISES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY. Father in law has a mealy mouth and.... I just can't even describe. Disgusting.

5. All of Marie Green's points about the Load of Christmas (and any holiday, really) falling solely on the Wife, no matter how helpful the husband offers to be

Thank you to whomever started the airing of grievances this holiday season. Good idea.

Dream Job OMG

2010-10-20T11:43:00.000-07:00

You guys you guys you guys! Our school secretary just quit. I repeat: The school secretary just quit.

My heart skipped a beat when I heard the news yesterday. MY DREAM JOB is soon going to be open for applicants. Exactly what I hoped for – specifically! How is that... ? I mean, coincidence?? I’m shocked because the school secretary had been there for a long time, I thought, and was one of those pillars of the school community – reliable, consistent.

However. I heard that she quit because the principal is too difficult to work with. An “Always Right” kind of woman, who doesn’t listen to others’ opinions. There is no way I could know this about her – I don’t have enough friends to gossip that deeply yet. Until this news. Now all of a sudden -- when the job I wish would take me right up into my retirement years, the one that would make me present for my kids as they go through their school years, is quite literally open to me – I have friends at the school who will warn me that it’s not all I’ve believed it to be.

Not to mention the fact that I KNOW it would be a pay cut... and unexpectedly, the economy has resulted in a 10% pay cut at my Husband’s job, just this month. Perfectly opposite from the specific plan I had in mind.

So which sign am I supposed to believe? The answered prayer, or the hints of warning against it?

Mine!

2010-10-07T07:06:00.000-07:00

I’m ticked, today, at work.

I proposed that we hire a consultant for a certain effort that definitely – DEFINITELY—falls under my job responsibilities, not my manager’s. The consultant is here today. And my manager has TAKEN OVER and is taking all of the credit for bringing him in. She’s showing him around, explaining why he’s here, making introductions.

If *I* had been allowed to introduce him, I would appear to be a proactive employee, smartly bringing in a consultant who can improve my department.

But because SHE is micro-managing my day of meetings, I seem like the incompetent employee for whom SHE had to bring someone in who knows what he’s doing, since I apparently don’t.

Or at least that’s how it feels to me. I guess the question is whether I’m going to sulk about it and just let her be (my typical response), or try harder to get myslef in front of everyone. We have a meeting scheduled tomorrow with a bunch of people; I guess that will be my chance to Wrestle Back Control! Rrrrr! MINE!

Gosh, that was interesting

2010-09-30T07:35:00.000-07:00

I just went to my archives and re-read all the job search posts. It was so fun. I remember so clearly all those feelings and decisions, and wow, how GOOD it is to be right here, right now, kinda hating but still very grateful for what has become just MY JOB, not my new-shiny-exciting job. :)

Back then I had better stories. Now I have better circumstances.

I need to be writing a story for my magazine. I need to be researching.... something, I'm sure.

I miss the ol' Constance blog, though. I haven't had any good secrets so I haven't been here in a while.

You have any good secrets?

MIL post: An unfortunate realization

2010-07-12T05:00:00.000-07:00

Ladies, I think I've stumbled upon something NEW. I mean, it's probably NOT new, but I've just noticed it. My MIL likes to bring up bodily functions in conversation.

Especially in regards to food. Now, when I first met her, talking about food and cooking was one of our few connections. She has gotten me subscriptions to "Taste of Home" and "Quick Cooking" magazines, which I love. But lately I've noticed that if we are out to eat, or even discussing food, she loooooves to bring up what it's going to do to her, intestinally.

Even yesterday. We met at McDonald's so the kids could play. She had some chicken sandwich with lettuce and tomato, and she demonstratively removed the lettuce, announcing, "I like lettuce on a sandwich, but.. it'll make me runnnnnn to the bathroom." She does this ALL the TIME. If I paid any attention to her babbling (which I rarely do), I would know what causes her hearburn, what gives her gas, what makes her have to pee, and what makes her burp. I think she thinks it's funny? Or (shudder) cute? Or 'intimate,' since we're family and all we should share EVERYTHING.

It's never non-offensive bodily functions like giving her a headache, either. Always the disgusting things.

I've decided to COUNT the instances next time I'm with her for an extended period of time. Which should be next weekend. I know you can't wait for my report.

Off the cliff

2010-06-02T12:05:00.000-07:00

I am pretty sick of my job today. What else is new, right?! I know all my 2 and a half Constance readers really want to hear it, too. But that is the reason I got the Pink Apartment after all, so I could yak about it without having my photo attached to the thing.

Some days, the work is just so full. Like yesterday. I came to my desk after a nice Memorial Day weekend away in the hills of Tennessee, with a clear picture of my To-Do List in mind, knowing what needed to get done this week and what was high-priority… and when I got here, damned if I wasn’t knocked off the rails with my Highly Self-Prioritized Boss giving me Instructions. I realize this is her prerogative as a manager, but grah. Sometimes her method is not very kind and loving. It’s more like, “I’m 5 years younger than you but telling you What To Do and When.” (Perhaps this is my own issue and not hers. Hrm.)

Then there’s today, I actually DO have time to get some of the busywork done, but god, I just don’t fricking feel like it. I am sick of our websites, sick of my own writing. Sick of the SAME STUPID CONTENT we continuously post, and yet unwilling or unable to come up with any better ideas. Mostly unable, because I’m too busy being told What To Do and When by the HSPB.

Here’s something interesting. A part-time position opened up at my kid’s school. Development Assistant. I discovered the listing last week and had a half-day of panic over whether or not I should apply. It was PMS induced, that panic. But it felt kinda real in the moment. And then I decided I couldn’t possibly take a measly part-time job.

And I wish I wouldn’t keep deciding that. I wish I would jump off that GD cliff and say THIS IS WHAT I WANT, and if it means giving up Starbucks forever and monetizing my stupid mommy blog and Incorporating to try to write freelance – or hell, even getting a Saturday job at some little store (not that there ARE any available easy part-time jobs these days) – I just wish I would DO THAT.

It would be nice, working at that school, I have to say. I would be writing grant proposals and planning the fundraisers.

MIL post:

2010-02-15T05:59:00.001-08:00

I am so sick of my mother in law commenting on EVERY F-ING STATUS I ever post on Facebook. ARRRGGGGHH.

One year ago today

2010-01-28T06:42:00.000-08:00

One year ago right at this very moment, I was having my second interview for my current job. I was so impressed with (and a little intimidated by) my now-friend and boss. She seemed to be so confident, so secure, so smart.

I have learned A LOT in this past year. I have grown, I think. I have certainly grown into the job, and feel pretty comfortable with about 3/4 of it. Of course, there are still areas that need improvement. I am hopeful we'll be adding a position to my department soon, someone to help me be more efficient and productive.

I am excited about February, when the Big Prez of the Company will announce my anniversary date. :)

Things are good. I don't know if I can say, "At the end of the day, I love what I do," but at the end of the day, I like it.

And that's something.

Count THIS Blessing:

2009-10-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

I just realized one of the MOST AWESOME things about the fact that I work full-time: My MIL can't call me all day long with inane, ridiculous questions while she's out shopping.

She just called me with such ("Could you measure Son's foot from toe to heel for me?"), but she hurried (HER version of "hurry") to get off the phone and "not bother me" at work. Thank the Good Lord.

If I wasn't working... OMG, I would be ~~ignoring~~ fielding calls from her every day! Probably more than once a day!!

Oh, MAN, is this a blessing.

SSDD

2009-10-20T05:31:00.001-07:00

My mind is on a misson to defeat me. It keeps doing this thing -- this whirring, spiraling, thoughts-in-the-round THING -- that started 5 years ago. Goes like this.

1. I really want to cut this job to part-time. I don't care anymore what the co-workers would think. This would be better for ME. For our family. Let's think about it, seriously.

2. *Counting on my fingers* M, W, F, 8:00, 9 , 10, 11, 12, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, with an hour for lunch... that's 24 hours a week... is that enough? Or maybe...? Hmmm... maybe 3 ten-hour days? 30 hours? Or, should I do 5 half-days instead? But, no, that wouldn't work for daycare, I'd end up paying the same amount... hmmm. Well, okay. 30 hours.

3. Two days off a week. I could definitely make up the difference in salary with some writing jobs.

4. Or... maybe I should look into Pampered Chef in the meantime? Kindermusik? *checks those websites again* *they look a little different since it's been a few months* (I really don't want to do either of them at all, when I think about it.)

5. Anyway... the whole point is NOT to work all five days so I can do other things like keep the house, PTA, oh wait... if Daughter's only in daycare three days, she'd be with me the other 2.... hmm... I'll never get any writing done that way, except at 9:00 pm...

6. WAIT. Working 2 jobs -- because that is what it would be if I really did want to make up the salary difference, duh -- sounds just about as stressful as working full-time already is. Why bother?

7. But part-time would be such a relief... maybe I'd have time to better manage the budget, and wouldn't NEED to make up the salary... let's see... 8:00, 9, 10, 11,...

That's how it goes. I truly count out the hours on my fingers EVERY TIME. And most times, I think about, well, when Daughter starts Kindergarten then we'll be paying two Catholic school tuitions. So I guess I won't be able to work part-time then. And then shortly after that Son will be in high school, and thank goodness, because we're planning for him to attend public high school. Maybe then. But... then, of course, we'll be saving for college, and so... it just never ends.

We'll both work until we die, The End.

Hormones

2009-08-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

I'm in that mood where I kind-of hate everyone.

Not you, of course. You're great.

But everyone else. People walk by me and I think, "What do THEY have to be smiling about?" My boss' boss asked me today, in such a nice way, "Are you happy? Liking your job?" Which is appropriate because I'm still somewhat new. I answered him... probably too enthusiastically, that YES I DO! Like my job! And then I got pissed as we went our separate ways, thinking, "He's the boss' boss, what does he expect me to say?!" I've never really like him.

Blah.

My online life is no longer private. A work colleague is now following my Tweets. And so when I wanted to tweet to all my Mommy friends about something girly, I had to censor myself.

There is no purpose to my writing it down here, except that I can. And I don't want to do any of my real work so I keep bouncing around Fb, Twtiter, blogs, to try to occupy my time.

Stupid.

Still and always - working mom

2009-04-28T05:12:00.000-07:00

I thought that I'd made my peace with being a working mom. That I was even becoming proud to be a working mom. And that's partly true.

But the other part of me still wishes for things. I STILL catch myself thinking, "If I were a stay-at-home-mom, this is what I'd be doing today." I think that on the weekends, especially, when I'm tired and the kids are crawling all over me. This Saturday morning when I got out of the shower, I thought, "If I were a SAHM, I'd be getting ready to go out for 2 or 3 hours of ME TIME right now." When I was at dinner on Saturday night with my husband, I saw a group of ladies at the next table over. I thought, "If I were a SAHM I bet I'd go out for girls' nights a whole lot more often, like they are."

What's definitely true is that I think being a SAHM would tire me and try me WAY more than being a WOHM. So I HAVE made peace with that angle. Dealing with kids all day, every day -- without any grandparents living close by to take them for a few hours each week -- would be extraordinarily hard. So I don't really wish for it, at least not all the time.

But I still compare my actual life to the one I won't ever have.

I don't talk about it on my regular blog anymore because I don't like making Hubby feel bad about his salary level. I work so we can afford our (not extravagant) life.

---------

On the other side of the coin (sort-of), I had a little revelation yesterday. Well, first of all, I've had a little revelation about the job I took in February. I like it, I do. But it's hard. And as I knew, it's a grown-up job. I'm going to have to perform in this job.

I'm okay with that, for now. It's in an area of interest for me, and I'd like to excel at it. To really impress everyone and make a difference for the company, the bottom line. To feel like I could be one of the "career women" who gets profiled by Working Mother magazine at the end of the year.

But I realized I only want to excel at it for a while. Not for the rest of my life. Maybe a couple of years. Get a couple of magazine issues published, into my portfolio. Claim my work, my success.

And then, I'd like my Working Mother of the Year bio to include this noble thing: After accelerating her career as E-Business Director at XXX, she willingly took a pay cut to be able to spend more time with her children, taking on the job as [some kind of secretary] at her kids' Catholic school.

Thing is, that might actually be a possiblity. My husband's boss is set to retire in 2-ish years, and Husband is in line to take over for him. (= pay raise). To offset my noble pay cut. Our son starts Kindergarten this year, giving me just enough time to get to know folks at the school and let them know if a job opened up, I'd be interested.

I feel like it's possible that the reason I found THIS job close to home (and school) was so I could be present at the school. So I could get to know people there. Maybe, so those connections could lead to something else. You never know.

So it's is my new secret wish and prayer. Maybe silly (or too specific) but I figure God didn't say "Ask, and ye shall receive," if he didn't intend for us to try.

Oh HAI! I got the job!

2009-03-06T19:17:00.000-08:00

Sorry people! In case anyone was curious and hasn't already linked my secret pink-apartment self to my other-bloggy self. I got the job! It's been great so far and so busy I can't even see straight - this company is constantly inventing new 'projects' and 'initiatives' and is so forward-thinking that I think they've gone in a huge circle around the world already by now. It's almost comical since my old job allowed me to KEEP TWO SEPARATE BLOGS and even read and comment on others' blogs, and I was hired because of my Internet knowledge and experience, and now OH HAI, two weeks later I haven't done any Internetting because I'm so swamped with work. Heh.

But I like it. I like the people and the place, and even the work is interesting.

Thanks for listening to me whine about and contemplate the journey it took to get me here, Constances!

Many Windows

2009-02-05T11:52:00.000-08:00

Walking into the building, which was a 4-story, non-descript red brick in a typical office park, I felt a small pang of distress. The last time I worked in a building like this, it did not go especially well. I'm a little bit turned off by suite numbers and elevators and concierge desks, frankly, because of that experience. However, when I was welcomed with "Good morning, Ma'am," by an elderly security gentleman, I relaxed a bit. He met me at the door and held it open. Anyway, it's just an office, I told myself.

Up to the 4th floor, and to the left. And wow, how lovely. A glass front door. An enormous window behind the conference room, overlooking the one geographical feature of this part of the metro (a small but historic mountain). Natural light and air, and... it will sound like I'm kidding... laughter from inside the heart of the office. I was greeted with happiness. It felt good, there. (If it had smelled like cinnamon buns and coffee, I'd have asked someone to pinch me.)

-------

The interview went well. It was the least nervous I've been in an interview, except when they asked the age-old interview question, "What are your weaknesses?" Argh. Hate that one. I spit out my general answer - tends too much toward working alone - and I guess it sufficed. They say they're impressed, and I am, with them. I think this will be a place I can grow and learn, but also somewhere I can shine. I have knowledge that they, apparently, don't have, or haven't had in this particular position. I am anxious, eager, idea-filled, and wanting to get organized. Of course, also apprehensive. What if I don't remember things? What if I don't present them well? What if I can't execute those ideas? What if I can't stay ahead of the curve? They're not concrete or serious fears, just the nerves that accompany every new adventure.

I exited feeling confident, comfortable. I'm expecting a call tomorrow. I can do this, be part of this. I will do this. I will be happier in my work. It's something I've dreamed about and wished for, while gazing out windows, incidentally, for a long, long time.

Unfortunate Side Effect

2009-02-02T11:56:00.000-08:00

A real problem: I have gotten so used to being lax at my current job. Especially right now; we haven't had many new projects in a while due to the economy and the normal slow-down this time of year. I have gotten really accustomed to being bored and/or reading blogs.

::Brisk Clap!:: I need a wake-up call. Time to get in gear, maybe even "read ahead;" I've been thinking about what I can start researching that's relative to the new industry. (But I'm kind-of loathe to "give up" these last few "free days." Hee.)

Am leaning FAR now toward taking it, if offered. HR Interview Thursday.

Pros and Cons

2009-01-29T08:48:00.000-08:00

I've long been a subscriber to the "make a list" theory of decision-making, and here I sit with a big ol' stupid stress-making decision in front of me. The interview yesterday went well, although it made me a bit more apprehensive about the job than I was before. So, when trying to weigh a situation and make sure I haven't forgotten all the angles, this is what I do:

Arguments FOR taking the new job:

See here. I have been jerked around a bit (a bit!) by my current company.

See here. My current company is ~~flailing~~ ~~floundering~~ experiencing difficulty. There is no guarantee that it will survive "these difficult economic times." It is a 14-person team in a large, publicly-held corporation of hundreds of thousands of employees, a team whose total billing was down by $2 million in '08. Yeah.

I don't want to be the one left standing around in the cold with nowhere to go, IF something were to happen.

I don't love commuting an hour each way, every day, and when my oldest son starts Kindergarten in August, I would like to have the option of going to his school for presentations, teacher meetings, and what-have-you. The new job is about 10 minutes away from our home and school(s).

The current job has a recently increased possibility of necessary travel. The new job does not include a travel requirement. (I am a mommy, after all.)

The new job offers me a 30% raise at the lowest end of the salary range. I am almost certain the current job will not match that level of pay.

The kind woman I met with yesterday said she would allow, after my first 3 months, some working from home "if that would sweeten the deal" for me. It would.

You know who would be my direct manager (in a group of 5)? A person I am good friends with, and worked closely with years ago.

Arguments AGAINST taking the new job:

I have been in my current industry for 12 years and am comfortable in this market. The new job is a completely new market that I do not know much about. My job duties, I know slightly more about, but the customers/demographic, etc, I would have to learn.

The (new) job description includes some things that intimidate me. 1) Generating story ideas and writing articles (professional articles! Not blog posts!) for a twice-yearly magazine, in an area on which I am no expert. I would have a small cadre of other writers, but a lot of it would be UP TO ME. 2) Managing the e-commerce for a website. Not the back-end programming, but the content and maintenance in some capacity. Security, logistics, inventory, etc. would all be part of it. Eek. Never done that before.

The new job would not allow me to "coast" and hope that no new projects are sold, like I currently do. It would require me to, like, actually work. (Not that I DON'T work in the current job, but you know how it is when you’re comfortable. Muuuuch easier to put things off, etc.) I know this item sounds jokey, but it's a serious question: Am I in a place in my life where I need/want to be challenged by work, or do I just need to get through the day so I can concentrate more on my young family? (I think it's a little of both, really.)

The new job requires that I manage a budget. I've never had that responsibility before.

It would be really hard to TELL my current employer I'm leaving. I think they are going to feel a certain level of betrayal, like I have recently felt betrayed by co-workers who've left.

> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >

I know this appears, to the outsider, to be a no-brainer. I'm leaning toward the FOR column, obviously. But any big decision can be difficult, and I don't ever take them lightly.

My first responsibility is to my family, my kids. And so I think that has to weigh heavily on the final outcome. Whatever decision is better for them, for us. More money? Closer to home? Sounds better.

As for the mental challenges of the job... I guess it's time for me to be an adult and handle a grown-up job. I'm fairly adaptable and more capable than I give myself credit for. Maybe the new enthusiasm, the breath of fresh ~~cubicle~~ air, will help me think better, work smarter. And as for the fear, I think of my Dad, who left his hometown of 40-some years in order to try out a new, harder, muuuuch more demanding career. He did it for us, and not without some difficulty along the way. But wow, am I ever proud of him for making that move.

More Interview

2009-01-27T07:11:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow's the next step. The second meeting. Today I can't concentrate. In my mind, I've already accepted a new job. I'm already planning how I'll announce it, whether I want to give 2 weeks' notice or less (less! If I go, I'll need to rip this off like a band-aid), and how in the world I'm going to talk to my friend and fellow worrier, who will be left like a solitary, soggy corn flake in lukewarm milk. She'll either be crushed that she's alone or elated at her big raise since she'll have to take over more responsibility; a raise for which I will advocate. I don't want to lose another friend, like so many I've lost when they've moved on.

Why is that, anyway? In my whole working career, there have only been a few (mostly those who stayed in the same industry) who've remained close friends. It's as if work friendships are only strong when we deal with the same stupid databases every day, or clock into the same depressing timesheet. And that's patently not true -- we also share birthdays, illnesses, happy hours, and holidays. Why don't we (I) work to maintain past work friendships better?

Anyway, tomorrow's the interview. I hope I have something to say besides "I'm so nervous about all this."

T-minus 14 and counting.

2009-01-02T08:58:00.001-08:00

I am pissed today.

Another woman (higher up) in my office has given notice.

I'm pissed because we are a group of, well, now only fourteen, owned by a very large parent company. A year and a half ago, the parent almost sold us off. They changed their minds. Ergo, we're constantly under scrutiny. This woman was one of our only cheerleaders -- the only higher-up with any enthusiasm for our products, the only one who would or could make a legitimate, well-thought-out, professional-sounding case FOR us, if anyone above her ever asked. The only one who was making big sales, who our clients like and trust.

I'm pissed because she's going to a major local competitor.

I'm pissed because she is the... let's count... 4th person to leave in a string of big, bottom-line-changing exits, and every time one more person leaves, it gives corporate more of a reason to shut the rest of us down. It takes away other employees' confidence, making them want to leave, too... vicious cycle.

I'm one of those people with no more confidence left. I've said it before: I really wish corporate would just cut the cord already, so we aren't dangling with worry after every one of these announcements.

I'm pissed because I can't manage to leave yet. I WANT to leave and I'm not able to. (Haven't heard on the job I interviewed for; still feel good about the prospect of it, just don't know WHEN. Hate waiting.)

I'm pissed because I'm going to be the last one left, the one that has to clean up all the effing messes, the one who's going to get cut off with no warning.

I want out of here so badly. I feel like such a whiner, like I SHOULD leave with nowhere to go, just to get away from the crumbling MESS. To make a statement AND to save myself like this woman just has. I can't, though, of course. I have no cushion, and few prospects.

Great way to start the damm new year.

At Starbucks

2008-12-17T12:39:00.000-08:00

This was really a "get to know each other" kind of meeting, although I would definitely say it had an interview feel. I think she -- the person who would be my boss, were I to take a job with her -- is younger than I. Me. (Which is it?? Oh, GAH, editorial skills are part of the job requirements.)

I had good ideas for her, already, just by looking at her website. She doesn't seem like she'd be difficult to work with. I think I could reasonably ask for a 30% raise from my current (pitiful) salary. Thirty! percent! Maybe even 31. It would solve my commuting problem. It would be flexible. It would be less deadline-panic-client intensive.

The position isn't open yet, but she wants to meet with me again. I feel really good about this so far. Almost (although I hate to jinx it) excited at the prospect. Something new! A grown-up job! Negligible commute!!

A real-life friend of mine said to me, "Once you have kids, your priorities really do change." So I really want to weigh everything out in my mind during the holidays (if that's possible... perhaps a quiet bubble bath while the relatives watch football and the kids?). What ARE the top priorities?

I want a chance to see. I think I want a new breath of air. Mostly I want it to be perfect. Slow down, emotions. Slooooow down.

Woman

2008-12-12T09:08:00.000-08:00

It is just crazy being a woman, huh? You can live the entire spectrum of emotions -- fearful, convinced, depressed, despairing, frustrated, curious, resigned, interested, confused, worried, sad, tired, suspicious, resentful, remorseful, relieved, grateful, sorrowful, unworthy, really relieved, sad, and then contented -- all in the span of, let's see... it was about 26 hours, I think. And then, I lived those again a 2nd day in a row. Good lord.

This is why we women rely on ice cream and chocolate. Ice cream and chocolate are trustworthy and stable when we, ourselves, are not

-------

So I'm not pregnant and I do have a job interview next week. It has been one crazy hell of a week.

Drama? Me?

2008-12-09T12:37:00.000-08:00

In the midst of being panicky (see previous post), I am also elated: I have an interview next week! With a friend's company (networking works!). Close to home. They loved my resume. Interview's at Starbucks. It's all just lovely and exciting!

Unless the other thing. In which case... oh lord, I don't even know.

nervous

2008-12-04T06:52:00.001-08:00

I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date.

Yeeks.

Just ignore this. I'm just spewing stuff for my mental health.

2008-11-17T11:32:00.000-08:00

Today was another one of those mornings, where everything felt frantic and rushed. I cried because I had to say these exact words to my 9-month-old: "I'm sorry, honey, Mama doesn't have time to feed you. Miss J will feed you when we get to school."

DON'T HAVE TIME TO FEED YOU. That's lovely. It was 7:00 a.m. It's preposterous (not the right word but I can't think of one strong enough - ridiculous, ridonkulous, assanine, I'm indredulous...) that I have to say such a thing at that hour -- that I have to leave my house with my two children, at that hour.

I still hate my job. It's gotten busy and since I'm doing TWO jobs, I am having a hard time keeping up with them both. I'm feeling very resentful at two VPs who sit around and "idea-share" all the time, and are so proud of their new little blog, their twitter accounts, their "thought-leader-ism." I'm sick of it. Sick of them acting like we're heading in a new/good direction, when all I see of the company is gloom and doom and no new business, and no R&D budget to make new products, etc. And I'm sick of them asking ME to participate in the idea-sharing. I don't have ANY desire to produce new ideas or be "sharp." I have no ambition here, I couldn't care less.

I have made zero progress on getting a new job. The problem is I don't want a job, really, at all. I want the money to get handed to me. I would type "heh" but it's too sad at this stage of the game. I've got to find something flexible, and something that pays. Am thinking it doesn't exist. I know after teaching some kids for 1 hour on Sunday that being a teacher is just not going to work for me (I've been trying to convince myself I could work in the Catholic schools - historically, they'd hire anyone, education degree or not). So the only thing I can think that might fit my bill is trying to make a go of it, writing. But I'm not convinced I can actually DO THAT, and it's going to require effort. A lot of effort. Probably late at night when I'm too tired.

I am a colossal whiner.

I have a weird patch of dry skin on my eyelid. I can't get it to go away. I don't have time to go to the dermatologist about it.

I am so wrapped up in my own stuff, I can't even process that my coworker/friend told me today he has an unidentified mass in his neck. He had it biopsied last week. I can't even feel sad/sorry for him because I just have my own sorrows that I'm nursing. Baby was sick, I am sick (colds, tummy troubles), we have no money, I hate my job, etc.

And speaking of dread diseases, my HUSBAND is also beginning some treatment that increases his risk for some lymphoma, I don't know for sure what. I haven't even thoroughly entertained all that that encompasses, because I just don't have time to worry about it and can't afford to get any more depressed. I'm hoping for the best but not even putting that much TIME into hoping for it.

I am terrible.

Job search update

2008-11-03T12:39:00.000-08:00

*But first: HOW MUCH DO I LOVE MY LITTLE PROFILE PHOTO?? (A LOT!!) It makes me so happy.

And things that make me happy right now are GOOD THINGS, because in general? I am not so happy. Especially on Monday mornings. (Well, and Tuesday mornings, Wednesday mornings... etc.) I know it's REALLY time to leave a job when the feelings of dread accompany my entering the building. The feelings of wanting to flip off the building. The panic and sadness that just settles on my mood when I get there. When I had a different job 8 years ago, one that I hated, riding up in the elevator made me nauseous. Today I haven't been nauseous, but I've had (warning: TMI!) saliva-mouth, which typically accompanies nausea for me. Ew. SO it's time. Aside from physical feelings, I've been really super moody and grumpy at work, some PMS related, but mostly situation-related. Obvs.

However. In better news...

I sent a resume to my old friend who might have a part-time position available less than 7 miles from home.
I've been doing a lot of job searching online.
I've signed up at OpportunityKnocks.org (check it out for non-profit companies who are hiring)
I've discovered a job that's available 9 miles from home (this is a good distance - compare to 35 miles currently), that I just *might* be qualified for.

Now, on that last point, I have to buck up and get brave and apply for it. But it's at a "progressive" institution where health and mental health and well-being are actually the NAME of the GAME, i.e., the institution's mission and focus, so hey... that sounds good! If nothing else it's an opportunity to interview, and I'm anxious/excited/hopeful about it.

I'm still unsure what is the best thing for me right now -- if I need to be looking for full-time or part-time, since OMFG the Economy, but WAAA, mah baby's about to be in real school and needs hims' Mama at the end of the school-day -- so that is why I would REALLY like to find something at a school. BUT. If this other opportunity worked out, they might be flexible and kind, so we'll see.

Non-dooceable, I hope.

2008-10-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

Mmmm, pizza casserole for lunch. It's just hot out of the microwave as I sit down to a short break.

Hypothetical:

If a friend told you these things--

that her company asked her to "help out temporarily" by taking on the equivalent of a 2nd position, in addition to her regular job duties;
that they're so grateful she has the skills set and is willing to "take one for the team;"
that there was "just not budget at this time" to pay her for these additional services, and that there may not be budget when annual review time comes up in January (she is willing to wait until then even though it's unfair to her in all kinds of ways);
that she had done this once before, in April, when another coworker left, never to be replaced (except by your friend);
also with no raise or salary change;
that her 50-miles-a-day commute has to change to 5 days a week instead of 3, due to the requirements of this "temporary" new position wherein she can no longer work from home;

...you'd tell her to stop being such a frakking bonehead and get another job. Wouldn't you?

Jumping in front of the bus

2008-10-17T06:56:00.000-07:00

One of the things that crossed my mind a couple of weeks ago, when we had to pay the annual school registration fees and had an unexpected car repair at the same time, and I got all nervous that we were finally down to "paycheck to paycheck" and how was I going to pay for groceries this week as well as the mortgage??.... THAT time, was that I would willingly go hungry if it meant my kids would eat.

Now, I have never been able to visualize the common statement, "I would jump in front of a bus to save my kids." I mean, I WOULD, but I just can't visualize that happening. I can't imagine the sensation of impact as the bus hit me, or how/where I would throw the child. For one thing, it's too horrible to imagine, and for another, it just doesn't seem as REAL to me since it's never happened to me before and it seems extreme. knock wood knock wood knock wood.

But being hungry? Not starved, mind you, because blessedly, I've never experienced that either... just a little hungry. Like "I'll skip lunch because we only have enough bread for 2 sandwiches." Or, "I have 3 dollars in my pocket and that's it, so I can only afford a 6-piece McNuggets, you kids share it..." THAT I can imagine and would willingly do. Definitely. Every day if I had to.

Here's another post about (less extreme) things parents are doing in these economic times.

(This entry seemed to depressing to post on my regular blog.)

Unwanted facial hair

2008-10-13T05:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Husband,

Please, please shave the "flavor savor."

I have endured it as long as I can stand (...and by "endured," I mean, actually kissed, blech), and you know that I hate that crap anyway.

Thank you,

Love,
Wife

Panicky

2008-10-06T11:42:00.001-07:00

I am feeling panicky when I think about the economy, and specifically our checkbook. I know I'm sitting here on my high-speed Internet on my very own laptop, to type to no one in particular (idly) that ZOMG, I don't have any money, but... I feel like we don't have any money. I went to Costco and Publix to get our 2-week supply of groceries and diapers, and I'm hoping it's going to last even longer than 2 weeks because YOWZERS, that cost a fortune. I think it will last because I have 5 pounds of ground beef (for $2/pound, I love you Costco!!), and a ton of chicken breasts. So if the "additional" items run out at least we can have plain meat. HA. But seriously, even though I intentionally bought more, for longer than usual, the larger total at the end of those receipts gives me great pause. Makes my heart beat a little faster. I don't know, I really worry that it's going to run out with the bills, the daycare costs, the mortgage.

I thought I WAS a frugal shopper - I clip coupons as I can, buy mostly generic, and only shop for the meals I make, etc. Guess I need to learn to be an even BETTER shopper.

Even though my husband and I both have decent jobs. I feel like both of us are on the "might get laid off, if lay-offs were made" list at our companies, and what then? No, let me clarify: I think we could both GET other jobs, but for me, it wouldn't be this NICE of a job -- flexible on working from home, doc appts, etc. WHERE would I find that again? Nowhere, that's where. And hubby -- he could probably get hired, but would no longer have a 6-mile commute (unheard of in this city), and will therefore spend more on gas, and be more stressed.

And speaking of commuting and stress: our paid-for, "POS" (piece of sh*t) car is starting to fall apart. First it was a new starter last week to the tune of $456 dollars. This week the Check Engine light is on. This car is supposed to last us at least another year or two so we can SAVE the EFF UP for a change. That plan really doesn't need to be derailed right now. (And it's not a POS, really, it's a Corolla. A good car. It's MADE to last a long time and I need it to do that.)

Birthday whine

2008-06-04T06:46:00.000-07:00

To whom it may concern:

We've been married several years; it seems as if you shouldn't have to ask on the morning OF my birthday, what kind of cake I'd like. It seems as if you should just show up at home WITH a cake (knowing -- KNOWING! -- that I'll eat ANY kind, really). Use your imagination. Surprise me. Maybe get some flowers, too. I don't care if they're $3.99 at Kroger. Flowers are nice.

I know, you want to please me by getting what I WANT. But it isn't so much a GIFT if I have to specify.

Crow: Delicious.

2008-05-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

He came to the baptism. I shouldn't have posted that mean little note about him, but it wouldn't have been unusual for him to skip a major family event for a horseshoes tourney.

When we go down to visit them, he can barely squeeze in time for us in the early morning -- before he goes to the bar (to "work;" he helps make food and takes out the garbage, etc.) -- or in the early evening -- AFTER he comes home from the bar (he and his best buddy have gone there just about every night since goodness-knows-when, and yes, their wives -- enablers -- alternate dropoff/pickup duties, the rationale for which? "at least they're not driving drunk.").

Pardon the run-on.

It's a bizarre life, sometimes.

Oh, you funny, funny father-in-law

2008-04-30T11:48:00.000-07:00

Want to know why my father-in-law might not make it to his ONLY GRANDDAUGHTER's baptism this weekend?

There's a city-wide horseshoes tournament in his city.

Horseshoes.

Just thought it should be documented. I'll let you know if he does make it and I have to eat crow.

Maawwige

2008-04-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

Someone told me recently that the 7-year anniversary is when negative things start happening, in a marriage. (I'd previously heard it was ten years.) I guess that's the point at which you've gotten through all of the dumb newbie stuff to get used to (wet towels on the bathroom floor), you've survived the births of one or more kids, and now you have time to focus in on the real DETAILS that are driving you crazy. I really, truly don't have much to complain about. My husband is great in a lot of ways. But SINCE we're coming up on 7 years here, two weeks from now, let me list seven small things. Such as:

When he spends every day of the week working, and then every minute of the weekend doing yardwork which, YES, needs to get done, but seriously? All day? Every Saturday? And then he wants Sunday to relax (not go to Church, oh no), because he worked the whole day before. Rrr.
When he complains about not having any new clothes, but never never never goes shopping on his lunch break like I do, to buy some. Take an hour!! Go to Macy's!!
When I have absolutely perfected the timing in my cooking process, so that dinner is generally ready ALL at the same time, and he even ASKS, "How long 'til dinner?"... and then precisely at one minute 'til, he has to go to the Bathroom. Yeah, THAT trip to the Bathroom.
When he STILL asks passive-aggressively, "Did that shirt dry all the way?" meaning, "I can see that you RUINED ANOTHER ONE." Laundry perfectionist. (Oh, OKAY. I'll own up to this one -- MY OWN insecurity about laundry.)
When he starts in on the kid first thing in the morning. (Still going on!)
When he forgets that hello, YES I like to read, and to watch our TiVo'ed shows, but that's not ALL I like to do. Please don't turn on the game system just because nothing's on TV tonight. PLEASE. TALK TO ME.
When he constantly asks, "What would you like to do this weekend?" seemingly to defer to my wishes, but REALLY being lazy! Why can't HE ever come up with a social agenda anymore? And line up a babysitter!

This ended up being less philosophical and more nit-picky/laughable than I originally intended. I kinda wanted to know if any other Constances have hit a 7-year trouble spot. I don't think we're in trouble at all; just getting comfortable. Maybe too comfortable.

Eastertide

2008-03-20T10:10:00.001-07:00

Here is it, Holy Week, and I haven't been to Mass since early February. I haven't seen one stitch of purple vestment, i.e., haven't celebrated Lent in the slightest, i.e., haven't fulfilled a Sunday Obligation in at least 6 weeks.

The last time I went to Mass it was by myself, and I was more excited about sitting in the "privileged" handicapped row, because it was standing room only and I was 9 months pregnant. (Nice! They brought Communion right to my chair!) We haven't attempted to take Son to Mass in a long time, because, surprise:

Three-and-a-half year-olds don't like church. Kiddo will sit for 5 minutes in the pew, before Mass begins, then as soon as it does, he has to go to the potty. And proceeds to refuse to return, leaving the parent who stayed in the pew all alone for the entirety.

My dumb parish doesn't have a cry-room, of course, or none of this would be an issue. The back of the church sanctuary is all glass, so they just expect people to stand in the Narthex and look on, when they have the burden of screaming kids. (Meanwhile, the kids run around willy-nilly, defeating the purpose of "I'm going to take you out of this church" as a punishment.)

So NOW we have both a fussy toddler AND a newborn. I told my husband we could go on Easter Sunday, but we might as well just camp out in the Narthex to begin with, because I'm sure we'll end up there eventually. And, understandably, he's not too keen on that prospect. He can't see what the point is. It's almost like half-going to Mass. God Bless Him, he's not even Catholic so he doesn't feel obligated to GO, but I DO. I feel obligated to at least TRY to give my kids a semblance of routine and faith-structure and the same family values (sorry - Not "Family Values" a la the Christian Coalition, but lowercase values, re: day-to-day family life) that I grew up with. I feel like you shouldn't be allowed to participate in the candy and egg-hunting if you don't do the church part. The church part on Easter is, after all, the whole reason we're Christian at all.

Husband argues that you don't have to go to church to be a good Christian. I agree. BUT. Someday my kids will wonder about the rules, and in the Catholic church the rules say you HAVE to go, or confess it. So what does that make me? A bad example. A rule-breaker. It's okay to break rules, kids, Mommy allows it.

The other thing is, not having been to Mass in so long, and not having been to Confession in even longer... I really shouldn't participate in Communion. But I always HAVE, choosing to believe that Jesus WANTS to invite us to the table, He wants to share His meal with us, even if we're sinners. But I ALWAYS feel guilt about that, too.

This is incoherent and patchy. Just wanted to get the feelings out of my head.

Neglect

2008-03-13T14:15:00.000-07:00

My apartment is the one with a dead plant on the windowsill and 2 months of bills overflowing the mailbox because I've been neglecting!! I hope I won't get kicked out! I loved reading the Newsletter and seeing that things are happening around here! I will have to carve out some time to catch up with everyone.

Maybe a pizza slumber party at my place? I'm up at 2 am lately, maybe I can schedule it!

Some things we can discuss: my plan to reduce my work schedule to part-time, some questions about the 10-year mark and marriages, and some good old-fashioned Catholic guilt. TTYL!

I. Have. A. Job.

2008-01-21T09:46:00.001-08:00

My cousin is very generously offering to share her stash of baby-girl clothes, and we've been trying to coordinate a time for me to go over to her house -- an hour away from my house, by the way, but such is life in the big city -- to sort through things. I'm willing to go over there instead of insisting she come here, because she's got it all neatly organized in bins that are stacked to the ceiling of her basement. (Seriously. Three girls' worth.) Needless to say, December was a bad time for everyone involved; just too many schedules to coordinate and things to do. But every time I talk to her or her husband, they say, "Maybe you can come over sometime next week," meaning, during the week.

Do they not realize that I Am Employed? I cannot just go sort through baby clothes, la-tee-dah, on a Wednesday morning, without having to go through a mild paperwork process with HR. I mean, yeah, taking a half-day won't be much of a big deal, but geez! Her husband used to actually BE my employer. Did they forget that? I work. WEEKENDS are when I visit people.

Maybe it's just because she lives in a million-dollar home and has never worked a day in her married life (unless you call playing tennis and getting a massage 'work') that this WORKS me UP. Rrrr.

(Sorry, if any other non-Work-Outside-the-Home moms are offended by this, but it's irking me. *I* am the pregnant one, you'd think maybe there would be a bit of an effort to accommodate *me.*)

Jackets, watches, and dates

2008-01-16T04:47:00.000-08:00

So, Hubz's birthday is next Tuesday, and I have just ordered him his gifts: 1) a fleece jacket, and 2) The Bourne Trilogy on DVD. I hope those are going to suffice.

I SUCK at gift-giving. This will be the second jacket I've bought him (the first was leather - and I think it was on the appropriate anniversary [3rd]). I've also bought him 3 watches in our lifetime together (7 years in April), and scores of video games that he's asked for. The thing is, he BUYS HIMSELF whatever he wants, and often scoops me by getting the exact thing I'd been planning to buy for him, mere weeks before whatever gift-giving occasion is coming up. This makes me crazy.

Ah, but I love him. We are going out for date night this weekend and I can't wait. We're going to hear a concert downtown, and to dinner beforehand, and his mom is coming up to babysit for us (a four-hour drive)! She's staying the whole weekend of course, and I know she's happy to do it -- any excuse to see the grandbaby, you know? :) I'm lucky that way, although I do wish we had family close by.

Anyway, date nights: We don't get enough of them. And I was thinking how we always said we'd continue to "court" each other -- that it was essential -- and now we really don't, anymore. We're both tired from working all day and following Son around at night, (and adding another to the mix, OY), and he has his hobbies and I have mine. And we're trying to save money (always) so there's never too much extra for frivolous things like dates and babysitters. Or at least we don't feel like there is.

I'd like us to work on the "courting" thing. I'd like us to share a little bit of our likes/hobbies with each other, and even plan "surprise" dates for each other, regularly. When it was my turn to plan, for instance, I would do something *I* wanted to do, but with a twist that would interest him. Like, go to dinner and then a coffeehouse to do crosswords -- but I would go find some crosswords related to HIS hobbies -- like, all hockey-crosswords. (Are there such things?) Or, take him to a play.... about fly-fishing. (He could be interested in fly-fishing, you don't know -- I'm anonymous, remember? Wink.) He could take me to eat... at a French restaurant. Or we could have an early-evening picnic -- no "twist" there, but he's heard me say about a bazillion times how much I like picnics.

Do any of you Constances plan these kinds of dates with your S.O.s? Or do you go to Olive Garden and a movie most times, like we do? I mean, nothing wrong with movies, but once in a while I need a little creativity, you know?

Grumpy morning

2008-01-14T04:16:00.000-08:00

Why does my husband just NOT GET the parenting thing? I mean... wait.

He gets it, he's doing his best... but he just gets it in a much different way than I do. For instance this morning: It's wake-up time, and our son, Son, happens to be in our bed. Husband has gotten up an hour before, and I'm up already... Hubs tells him, "Dude, it's time to wake up." And when Son (3 years old, mind you) rubs his eyes and says, "I don't want... I... I...," Hubz interrupts with a gruff, "Now DON'T start that 'I don't WANT' stuff already."

I mean, COME ON! I know we've had some rough mornings and it's a good sign that one is ahead when the kid wakes up whining, but who in his right mind WANTS to wake up? I am sure that was what the kid was about to say! How many times have I said that myself (every day of my adult life)?? WHY can't he give the benefit of the doubt, and help the kid start the day on the right foot, with a hug and a freaking SMILE instead of instant impatience?

Later when Son wanted to take his blankie to daycare, I tried to say, "But you have a school blankie, and you don't want to lose this one..." (his favorite). Hubz pipes in with, "Bah. You're a big boy, you don't need a blankie."

Making him feel BAD for having a security item?? Just not acceptable. He's THREE for God's sake. Closer to babyhood than any other age. I have talked to Hubz about this many times and it just doesn't get through.

It's no wonder our son says he doesn't like Daddy. Which breaks my heart.

(Of course I feel the need to clarify that it isn't like this all the time, and Daddy truly loves his little boy and is generally good to him. But there is some harshness just under the surface and I wish there wasn't.)

< / bitching >

Are men just harder on their sons? (And us women, softies?) (Please say yes.)

Oh my heck!

2008-01-11T07:00:00.000-08:00

I think I went around all day yesterday with a case of camel-toe. I am getting so big my maternity pants, size medium, are now too small.

This is surely not something I would post on my regular blog since I have co workers (and a mom) who read it and I wouldn't have wanted them peering at me after seeing this note! Shudder! In fact, I'm not sure I've ever USED the term camel-toe in real life or via keyboard, since it's just SO impolite.

But hey, let's be WILD. Camel toe! Camel toe! Hahahahahaha. I feel FREE.

I'm a Joiner!

2008-01-10T12:34:00.000-08:00

This could get confusing... there seem to be a lot of us!

More later -- LIKE I have time for another blog! And at least 14 more to read!! Wheeeee!